Running to the Father

The Lord works in the most incredible, mysterious, and yet purposeful ways.

This blog post popped up from three years ago, as The Lord reminded me of just how far

he has brought me.

I remember writing this. I remember writing how I was STILL holding onto bitterness that I had from years ago. That I was going to seek healing, thinking, somehow I would find it on my own.....

Since I have been old enough to remember, I have always been someone who journals/writes.

I never felt "good enough" to be heard... So I conceded to writing everything to myself.

I was often dismissed in my life for being "too emotional" , "feeling too much".

So, I'd try to shut everything down.

I shoved my feelings down, refusing to acknowledge them, until they'd become so big I would explode....the whole time, writing, screaming to paper because internally I was screaming within.

It wasn't until I began having a deep foundational relationship with The Lord that I began to realize how he would use all of it. All the years of writing, thoughts mapped out on pages would be used to heal me. To show me. To grow me.

So many words. So many feelings.

A story of a lost daughter grasping to find her way. Longing, to be accepted. Loved. Home.

Words, writings, and pages written by a broken girl full of hurt, unforgiveness and pain that festered long enough to turn into anger, bitterness, numbness.

I see the progression now, that I wouldn't have been able to see before.

Not by my own eyes, but by the Lord's.

It’s a pretty incredible and moving thing, when the Lord turns your anger to grieving.

Before I really KNEW him I had gotten to a place of unsettled rage.

I was angry.

Angry I wasn’t changing, angry I didn’t feel loved,

angry I was “alone", angry for all for the hurt in my life.

I was angry that I was trying to change and nothing was working.

Drinking didn't work.

Numbing myself didn't work.

Writing didn't work.

Screaming didn't work.

Self-healing didn't work.

Church didn't work.

But. Abba....

The Lord began speaking to me. Telling me, I needed to stop trying so hard, and instead, needed to begin releasing the feelings, the pain, the thoughts too him.

There was a problem though..... how could I go to him, when I didn't feel like I was "worthy", "good enough", "clean" enough to do so.

Here I stood, with a room full of baggage, covered in bruises, dirt, blood and tears. He couldn't, possibly, want me or accept me like this, right?

My religious mindsets had me completely disregarding who The Lord really is.

What he had really done for me. I had asked Jesus into my heart, and yet,

I hadn't accepted his righteousness as my own.

Abba, Jesus, Holy Spirit began speaking to me. Encountering me with love.

Confirming, that I am his daughter and when I stand in front of Abba,

it is the righteousness of Christ he sees and not me.

This, is what gave me the trust, the vulnerability, to begin sitting at his feet

and releasing to him all of me. All of my hurt, all of my feelings, all of my Iife.

He began breathing life into me.

Changing my heart, renewing my mind.

The presence of The Lord through his spirit.

Abba turned what was once anger into sorrow.

Sorrow and grief that I didn’t know…. what I didn’t know.

I didn't know he was speaking to me, before.

I didn’t know he was there, more real than I could have ever hoped for.

I didn't understand his spirit within me. His love, his help.

I didn’t know that he wanted to heal me more than I wanted it for myself.

I didn’t know that in order to be able to purely love others, in the way he intended,

the first YES should ALWAYS have been him, and still should be.

The day I finally realized my daughter-ship , my true Identity, until now....

Oh how he has healed. Oh how he is has redeemed. Oh how pure is his love.

Today I am the YES girl to him. I have had to learn it the hard way. I spent my life changing, giving, pleasing others, trying to find my identity to ultimately be just as broken if not more at the end of it.

I had lost myself.

When I spent my life trying to "find" myself in others, I felt like I lost every part of me.

When I SPEND my life finding the Lord, I have and continue to gain every life-giving thing and so much more than I could have wanted.

YES to you lord. Drench the unseen. Pour out your presence, as I pour out my praise.

Lord have your way within me.

You led me back home, and in your rest I will stay.

Come back to him, he is waiting.